Woman stuck under the train at Eagle Junction Train Station, Brisbane.
Original news story link is here
Use of word repetition:
The new article writer has repeated the word “A WOMAN” in this article few times. Instead of using “A WOMAN” writer should use “THE WOMAN”.
Also, there is no information how she stuck under the train.
In news article first few paragraphs writer didn’t mention when the woman was taken to the hospital. It indicates the woman still in under the train.
Mental health guidelines
The reporter has handled the cause of the incident by coating police officer line “self-harm” nicely and according to the guidelines of “Mindframe”. The woman motivation of the injury has not in the report. Also, there are two links at the end of the report for mental support if anyone needed.
My modified article
Woman freed from under the train at Eagle Junction station
A WOMAN has been injured after becoming stuck under a train at a railway station in Brisbane.
Emergency services reportedly freed the woman at 12.55pm. After working more than ½ hour. QAS said the woman was taken to the Royal Brisbane Hospital in a serious condition.
A Queensland Ambulance Service spokeswoman said the woman is currently conscious and has lower leg injuries, as four fire crews were involved in the rescue.
The woman, believed to be in her 30s, was caught under the train at Eagle Junction railway station just after 12pm Wednesday.
The incident is already having a flow on rail commuters traveling through the region, with Airport and Doomben trains experiencing delays of up to 40 minutes.
A witness reports a train full of people was sitting on the platform as the incident unfolds.
Police said they are treating the incident as one of self-harm.
For help with emotional difficulties, contact Lifeline on 13 11 14
For help with depression, contact Beyond Blue on 1300 22 46 36
The SANE Helpline is 1800 18 SANE (7263)
O’Brien, C 2014, ‘Woman stuck under train at Eagle Junction Train Station, Brisbane’, Courier Mail Queensland, 10 Sep, viewed 4 October 2016, http://www.couriermail.com.au/news/queensland/woman-stuck-under-train-at-eagle-junction-train-station-brisbane/news-story/3fdffc6978a2cb47b0461d1dbb1177ad
Mindframe ‘Reporting and portrayal of suicide’, viewed 24 September 2016, http://www.mindframe-media.info/for-media/reporting-suicide
Week 11 Quiz:
Week eleven quiz was a bit harder for me. I had only 50% right in the first attempt. I was unfamiliar with a lot of these style rules of writing.
from this week quiz and the book “English for Journalists” we can learn, writing doesn’t have to be very competitive and overstate something that is already mentioned.